Greetings and good evening ladies
and gentlemen! Once again, I'm bringing to you another installment of the
Ask a Male blog.
Today's question; "My
boyfriend asked me if I'd be ok with us being in a "Polyamorous"
relationship and I want to know what is he thinking?"
Everytime we touch on Alternative
Sexuality on the Ask A Male Blog, we tend to attract people who more often than
not make sweeping generalizations about the authors views and react rather than
attempt to read and understand.
The author has Poly friends, and has
attempted it before in his life. He is simply going to present it's definition
and it's practice as defined by Poly people.
Well, lets first define what
Polyamory Means.
Polyamory is defined as Multiple Romantic and Sexual partners in a relationship together.
In short, it is defined as having
multiple partners both physically(sexually) and romantically.
In the authors experience, there are
two different schools of thought for Poly Practice.
The Soft Definition).
Is the defined practice where two
people agree to be in a relationship but one, or both parties, agree to have
sexual relationships (whether protected or not) with other parties with the
agreed notion that neither party needs to know about the multiple other parties
in action. So long as neither party is aware what the other party is engaged
in, they reason that no feelings are hurt in the process.
The Hard Definition.) (No pun
intended).
Is the defined practice of a set and
what is referred to as "Vetted" (Known to all parties) circle of
participants who all agree together to only sleep with the parties in the known
and agreed upon circle of participants. All parties agree to share themselves
with each other, but all parties also look out for and protect the feelings and
emotions and physical health of each other. They go so far as to have
constant STD tests together and advocate healthy protected sexual encounters
with each other. To join the circle, is only allowed when ALL parties agree
that you are allowed to join.
Both schools of thought practice
what they believe to be called "Informed Consent".
Meaning, they discuss ahead of time what they wish to have happen in pursuing multiple partners. They discuss what they wish to engage in, it's implications, and its possible dangers. Consent implies a uniform agreement. As an "Alternative Sexuality" compared to the western concept of Monogamy, it's practitioners defend their chosen lifestyle very stolidly.
Meaning, they discuss ahead of time what they wish to have happen in pursuing multiple partners. They discuss what they wish to engage in, it's implications, and its possible dangers. Consent implies a uniform agreement. As an "Alternative Sexuality" compared to the western concept of Monogamy, it's practitioners defend their chosen lifestyle very stolidly.
Without informed consent, both
schools of thought reason that sleeping around is simply and purely cheating.
It's dishonest, they reason, because it isn't taking into account their
partners agreed upon wishes.
The Author at Ask A Male does
not wish to engage into debate as to which concept of relationship is
better or worse than the other, Monogamy VS. Polyamory. Simply put, it's
all lifestyle choices that everyone is entitled to research and explore at
their own choice and time. Remember that for any relationship to work, it
requires open and honest communication and consent.
I can say that I've lived a very
fruitful and interesting life and tried things on several different
perspectives, so I can offer the following advice on how an average straight
male thinks when asking "Are you ok with Polyamory?"
This man, your boyfriend, has heard
about something new that intrigues him. He's heard about people who can
have multiple sexual partners and keep a loving relationship between all of
them.
Not knowing this man, but knowing
how the average man thinks, this brings a couple questions to my mind.
"Why does this lifestyle
intrigue him?"
"Is he unhappy with
himself?"
Straight males, we are taught that
sexual gratification equals total life gratification. If we are having
great sex, our life is on the way to being perfect. When the sex falls
apart (and I'm not saying your sex life has), we turn to trying to find out why
and often that means finding another partner to meet those needs. That missing
piece search, as we get older, we realize its not found in the arms of someone
else. Its only found through deep soul searching. It's only found in
trying to be happy with ourselves.
Sex is pitched in media and music as
the answer to all of life's ails. In practice, we find its a lot more
complicated than that when we get emotions into the mix.
He want's to keep you in a
relationship, but also want's to explore definite sexual and possible romantic
interest with someone at the same time. Someone else in the mix.
He doesn't want to lose you, but
he's also intrigued by this life.
This is going to require you to do
some deep soul searching within yourself, it's going to require a very
difficult and emotional conversation with your boyfriend, and it's going to be
messy.
First, you are going to have to ask
yourself these questions:
Are you OK with sharing your
boyfriend with one or more women(or men)?
Are you OK with being shared with
one or more men(or women)?
If you are OK with those notions,
ask yourself this:
If we start this relationship, do I
want to know who he is sleeping with or do I not want to know?
If I do, or do not know, do I want
my partner to be protected and trust he will use it?
Am I going to also have a
relationship (physical or emotional) with this other person?
If you are NOT
comfortable with any of these situations and are not willing to allow yourself
or your partner to be shared with other people, it is within your complete and
total right to say you do not wish to engage in that lifestyle choice.
If however your boyfriend says he is
going to pursue it, let him go.
Here's the thing I've learned about
any successful relationship in life. It's that if you are monogamous,
poly, or anywhere in between; you have to have open communication AND respect
for yourself and your partner(s) for the relationship to work.
Now, it's possible that your
boyfriend might have found a way to have you and have the open fun sex life he
wants. It's possible, he might be checking someone out to play with. And
that may be what he is thinking. But to muddle through this mess, assuming
that you want to try to hold on to him, you need to have a good long chat with
him and explore the deeper issues.
If he isn't willing to talk about
it, RUN... Don't walk away. And do it with pride.
A man who is proposing to sleep with
someone else, and won't talk to you as to why, is controlling you.
A man who wants to keep you and play
with someone else, it's worth asking why he needs that and what he is lacking
within himself that he wants to seek out in the arms of someone else.
Understand that you aren't his therapist and if there are deeper issues,
again... Run... Don't walk away.
