Why does my boyfriend get so mad when I hug guys in front of him?

The question is: Why does my boyfriend get upset when I hug my guy friends in front of him?

There are actually several different reasons for this, but I’ll try to address the most obvious.

The first and usually foremost reason guys have issue with this is just plain insecurity. If a guy is getting irate with you hugging men in front of you that both you and he know, if he’s possessive and controlling enough to say you cannot have interaction with any guy friends in a physical manner than there is a rock solid sign that he holds you as nothing more than his object and HIS property and it’s best to cut him loose.

However…

If you have a secure boyfriend who is legitimately ok with you and your guy friends, then there might be another reason the gentleman is getting upset.

If for example your relationship is secure and your gent is secure enough to be legitimately ok with your guy friends, then there is another reason he might be getting angry. Most secure guys are ok with you having guy friends and indeed encourage you to explore having friends outside of your own relationship. It’s healthy and indeed recommended.

However, ladies, you have to recognize that there is a difference between verbal and non-verbal communication and some guys are VERY sensitive to non-verbal clues. If for example you are out with your guy and you spot your “Gay Roommate from College who saved your life that day” and we’ve never met him… Running to give him a flying tackle hug sends a non-verbal message to us of “I want you Mr. Sexy Metrosexual!” If you for example tell us you feel sad and don’t want to be touched and instead turn to hug one of your male friends in front of us, it says to us “I don’t want to be with you anymore, I want to be with him.”

The key to any successful relationship is communication, both ways, and trust going both ways. Men have feelings that are just as easily hurt as yours ladies. We just aren’t taught to talk about them. We are taught to bottle them up and swallow them and never deal with them… And that’s unhealthy too. If your boyfriend is upset with you hugging other men, ask yourself “WHY?”

Is it because he’s jealous and controlling? Then it’s best to end it with a conversation simply and maturely stating this isn’t working out for me.

Is it because he feels you’ve sent a message to him about your intents? Ask him why he feels that is what you said by your actions and ask him what he thinks it meant to you. Talk to your man… Clarify what you mean when the situation arises. If he loves you, he’ll respect you.

And ladies… It serves no purpose to play head games to make your boyfriend jealous. What you’re really saying to us is “I want to hurt you, I don’t care about you.” When you begin to rephrase it in such terms and recognize you don’t wish it returned on you… You begin to recognize how important it is to treat others as you would wish to be treated.

Why do men put women on a checklist?

Why do men put women on a checklist?

Alright ladies and gentlemen, I’ve received another question for the staff (ahem me) at the Ask a Male blog. This one is a bit complex so let me start off with a paraphrase of the question.

Why do men place women as a list of options ranking in some similar fashion to A-1 to Z-10 and choose to narrow their list down based on qualities of importance? It’s demeaning to women and dehumanizes us to objects to be acquired and thrown away after we are used.

Not all guys exhibit this practice. Some of us have hopes and dreams of perusing “The One” that captures our hopes and fantasies and epitomizes what we want in our lives. We heap lavish affection, charm, and accord on this one woman (at least in our own heads) and we march out with confidence to win the heart of our fair maiden.

And when we are crushed by the revelatory news that she happens to be a lesbian, taken already, uninterested, or “just wants to be friends”, then we sulk back to our lonely hollow dwellings to lick our wounds. We learn from our endeavors, we find someone new, and we formulate a new plane to chase this new love. And when we are crushed to find out that she’s “Saving herself for Jesus”, or “Has no time for a boyfriend” because she has kids or a cat or whatever… We eventually try to sit back and wait and hope someone out there is willing to give us a chance. We hope…

Now… This can grow pretty tiring given your social situation. Nobody likes rejection for whatever reason and nobody likes to keep dragging themselves back to lick their wounds.

So… Many men begin to set up a battle plan.

Consequently many more are also taught to set goals and priorities in list form and when it appears our goals are rather unfeasible, we are to cross them off our list.

In fact, much of our young life preparing for adulthood is lived in lists. Chore lists, grade lists, starting lists for sports, the kind of car we want to drive, the kind of college we want to attend, it seems eventually sadly habit to create a goal list of women we’d like to be with.

Whether we realize just how insulting this is or not depends on the individual male in general. Mind you I’m not making excuses, just providing a possible method of thought men use.

The initial thought is this.

Step 1: Write down (or mentally jot down) all of the available women you know in your given area.

Step 2: Write down (or mentally jot down) all of the features these women have that you find attractive.

Step 3: Rank these women based on features.

Step 4: Pick the top six, seven, or ten women on your list.

Step 5: Ask out top ranking contender one.

Step 6: If rejected, move down to first runner up. If rejected, repeat until successful date ensues.

Step 7: Profit! In this case the gentleman is either hoping for Long Term Relationship or Immediate sexual encounter. In depending on which reveals the character of the man.

We regrettably through culture and rote by rote education have learned to turn dating into an experience just like we do shopping for a used car.

Now, no doubt gents when we follow this method of thinking we are indeed bringing women down to the level of cars we want to buy or stereos we want in the house. We are essentially creating a list of features we want not of a personality that clicks with us.

But let me get back to Step 7 because that reveals what our male is really thinking… The first gent, who is attempting to garner a long distance relationship, is trying to find features of a partner he wants to be in his life that in hopes will eventually lead to something lasting and will complete him in some way. The second gent is attempting to find physical features he wants in his life that he can somehow experience and make for a dynamite sexual encounter. He is taught that sex IS the relationship and for it to be a good relationship, she has to have the features that say “I give a good ride”.

“Used Car” dating as I term it never works out well for either side. It is insulting to the potential partner you are planning to pursue and essentially you will end up hurting someone else in the process.

Ladies, we want to know that we are honestly as special to you as we like to think you are to us. We wouldn’t garner up the courage to ask you if we didn’t think somewhere somehow that you had something special we wish to offer. Now, you can usually tell the douche bags right away depending on how they ask you. But the really genuinely serious guys who want to be a part of your lives, they are trying hard to win your affection because they find something worthwhile in you. And they want you in their lives.

Gents, if you are serious about dating a lady, please make sure to not turn her into a list of features you want to complete you. No one human can complete you. You have to be strong and happy on your own. If you’re not, you can’t expect someone else to be happy with you. The key to a happy relationship is not “she who gives the best ride”, but she who gives into your life as much as you give to her.

(And that’s the subject of another blog…)