“Why is my boyfriend still bothered by his ex-girlfriend cheating on him?”

Here’s the scenario. You find yourself dating a man whose ex-wife cheated on him and left him for another woman. They’ve been divorced three years since the incident and he’s only recently decided to step out into the dating scene.

You find the man becoming much more possessive and upset and he continues to call you incessantly demanding to know your whereabouts.

My first response is RUN!

My second response is to break up and find a more secure man.

But let me first answer the primary question here; what is the man thinking?

I will admit from past experience having a long standing history of Closet Lesbian Women who want me to be their last straight relationship. Somehow, they want me to prove to them one last time whether they are straight or not. All too often as the case may be, I find myself being left for another woman. Too often without even the benefit of a break up. No casual adult conversation saying “I think we should see other people.” No coffee and “It’s not you it’s me”. No… Too often it has been me catching her in the other woman’s arms, her tongue down her throat, her hand up her skirt, and I have to walk away.

The first time it happened, it hit like a baseball bat to the face. As a man, you think “How can I compete with that?” We think that we can compete with any man on the planet for our loves attention. We are taught to fight for our love. We are taught to do everything to keep the attention of our love. And if we are left for another man, well somehow he must have been better than us.

But we have no lessons for men these days that are left for other women. We have no way of dealing with the heartbreak of being cheated on with another woman. We can’t compete with the statement “You don’t have the right equipment I want.” It got so bad after so many "Bisexual" women I dated kept leaving me for other women that I decided that I'll personally never date a Bi-Girl again. If you'd even told me you kissed a girl and liked it, we were done at that moment. I couldn't risk being left a week later for a butch bridge building lesbian.

So we suffer with a brand new kind of hurt.

And some guys have a harder time getting over it than others.

I admit in all honesty… It took me ten years and the death of a good personal mutual friend before I finally forgave the first woman who left me for another woman. That’s a long, long time to hold on to a grudge.

This brings me to another issue men sometimes have difficult issues with. We hold grudges for decades. We are taught often to hate those who hurt us and find ways to take revenge whenever we can. We are taught to swallow our emotions and what that really breeds is a festering cesspool of garbage. Of which I have discovered the only freedom comes from personal forgiveness and letting go.

This man you may find yourself meeting, He’s suffering a heartache he hasn’t been taught how to deal with. He’s trying to internalize a hurt that we only recently have become more and more aware of.

But I will say this; he has to LET IT GO!

Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping someone else dies.

Resentment is letting someone else live rent free in your head.

Let it go!

A month, two months after a break up of that cataclysmic proportion, its expected to hold on to a little bit of hurt. Three months, four months, five months, its time to start taking efforts to let life go forward.

But after six months if the man is still holding on to the hurt, there are deeper seated issues that he is dealing with besides just a bad break up. If after six months the man is still holding on to the pain of his ex-girlfriend or wife who left him for another woman, he is dealing with a greater issue of control and abandonment. He’s afraid and regretfully that fear manifests as abusive control and anger.

In this instance, you need to let him go yourself. You’ll find that if he is still dealing with these issues and he hasn’t let them go, then he will take his anger out on you because he hasn’t learned to deal with it in himself.

Dear gentlemen, if you’ve experienced this pain in your life, you have my honest and genuine sympathy. I know your pain. But find a healthy way to forgive and let it go before it consumes you. Believe me, after twenty some odd women who have left me for other women, I know what it feels like to be cheated on. But the greatest gift you can give yourself and your future love, is to forgive and let go.

And maybe this will help.

Let it Go by Voltaire

http://youtu.be/Wd7r2a82rmI

"What is this 'League' and why am I always not in his 'League'?"

Alright ladies, it’s been a bit but I am back once again to answer your pressing questions about how men think. This particular question arose when a while back I posted the above Demotivational Poster on my Facebook as a bit of a lark. Her anonymous question was as follows. What is this “League” that guys keep talking about and why am I always so difficult to ask out because I am always “Outside their league”?

Well ladies, let me attempt to clarify this conundrum. As previously stated, men are equally as insecure as you are about our feelings and our chances in life. However, unlike you lovely ladies, we are not taught to discuss our feelings. Most of the time we are not taught to even address or acknowledge that we have feelings, to admit doing so is to admit weakness.

So obviously, our feelings end up becoming a major stumbling block in our pursuit of future relationships. One of the greatest issues we encounter is that all encompassing issue of “Fear of Rejection”.

You see, very early on we are taught to pursue objects of our affection that are immediately and obviously PHYSICALLY appealing. We men are taught to pursue what we see as hot. Those young women who are perfectly thin, perfect skin, perfect eyes, perfect voice, perfect… Everything.

And we learn all too quickly that those physically appealing specimens are in fact honestly QUITE judgmental and quick to reject us. Unless, we too meet their qualifications of being the perfect specimen. We are in essence, not in HER league.

It is at this point we begin to approach dating in one of two ways.

Young boys begin to apply the Shotgun method of dating wherein they ask EVERY available woman in their vicinity out in the hopes that at least one will say yes. And odds are that when you ask a hundred smoking gorgeous women out, one will say yes if for nothing else out of pity.

Or…

If we have received enough rejection, we begin to realize we are out of some women’s leagues and therefore begin re-assess our standards. We begin to look for women who we think (by experience of those who have come up to us before) will say yes. We find women who we think are within our league to ask.

The downfall to this approach is that the standard is largely judged based on the self-esteem of the man doing the asking. If he doesn’t value himself, he is only going to pursue the women in his reach who he feels are within his value range.

A grade ten aesthetically pleasing male who was recently used and dumped by his ex-girlfriend and having suffered a huge blow to his self-esteem will turn to a woman who he thinks meets the value he puts on himself.

Now, while comical, if we took the above example then we are left to assume that the large man has self-esteem enough to ask out the gorgeous lady. But, does that mean the gorgeous lady lacks self-esteem for taking him out? Or is she so comfortable enough in herself that weight isn’t an issue for her? If I could figure that out, I’d probably have half the problems that I have had. You tell me ladies.

I digress…

Let’s say you find yourself in a conundrum. You feel very strongly about how you look and make it a point to feel attractive. However, men seem to find it difficult and intimidating to talk to you. You somehow are “Out of their league”. It certainly makes dating difficult.

It is 2012, times have changed considerably. It’s time to start shattering this notion of “Leagues” and arbitrarily enforced “Standards” and toss aside some of these cultural norms that plague is.

Try this my dear lady friend. Try actually striking up a conversation with the man. If he feels somehow that he is out of your league, he won’t talk to you because he fears you rejecting him and crushing his hopes. Talking to him open ups the door and lets US the men know that you have an interest with us.

In all honesty, the “Standard” should not be whether two “perfect” people belong together, because there are NO perfect people on the planet. Nor should two “ugly” people be forced together because one persons “Ugly” is another person’s beautiful. But we don’t talk about that do we?

No, the standard should be “Can I be happy with this person regardless of their personal style?” “Can I accept them for who they are and allow them to accept me for who I am?” “And by talking, can we realize we are a lot more in common than we thought?”

I think that when we put away our ideals of “Who belongs with us or not” and learn to take on people as people, then we can find a lot more doors opening.

Not everyone is a perfect match. But we can open more doors than we shut.