Alright ladies, it’s been a bit but I am back once again to answer your pressing questions about how men think. This particular question arose when a while back I posted the above Demotivational Poster on my Facebook as a bit of a lark. Her anonymous question was as follows. What is this “League” that guys keep talking about and why am I always so difficult to ask out because I am always “Outside their league”?
Well ladies, let me attempt to clarify this conundrum. As previously stated, men are equally as insecure as you are about our feelings and our chances in life. However, unlike you lovely ladies, we are not taught to discuss our feelings. Most of the time we are not taught to even address or acknowledge that we have feelings, to admit doing so is to admit weakness.
So obviously, our feelings end up becoming a major stumbling block in our pursuit of future relationships. One of the greatest issues we encounter is that all encompassing issue of “Fear of Rejection”.
You see, very early on we are taught to pursue objects of our affection that are immediately and obviously PHYSICALLY appealing. We men are taught to pursue what we see as hot. Those young women who are perfectly thin, perfect skin, perfect eyes, perfect voice, perfect… Everything.
And we learn all too quickly that those physically appealing specimens are in fact honestly QUITE judgmental and quick to reject us. Unless, we too meet their qualifications of being the perfect specimen. We are in essence, not in HER league.
It is at this point we begin to approach dating in one of two ways.
Young boys begin to apply the Shotgun method of dating wherein they ask EVERY available woman in their vicinity out in the hopes that at least one will say yes. And odds are that when you ask a hundred smoking gorgeous women out, one will say yes if for nothing else out of pity.
Or…
If we have received enough rejection, we begin to realize we are out of some women’s leagues and therefore begin re-assess our standards. We begin to look for women who we think (by experience of those who have come up to us before) will say yes. We find women who we think are within our league to ask.
The downfall to this approach is that the standard is largely judged based on the self-esteem of the man doing the asking. If he doesn’t value himself, he is only going to pursue the women in his reach who he feels are within his value range.
A grade ten aesthetically pleasing male who was recently used and dumped by his ex-girlfriend and having suffered a huge blow to his self-esteem will turn to a woman who he thinks meets the value he puts on himself.
Now, while comical, if we took the above example then we are left to assume that the large man has self-esteem enough to ask out the gorgeous lady. But, does that mean the gorgeous lady lacks self-esteem for taking him out? Or is she so comfortable enough in herself that weight isn’t an issue for her? If I could figure that out, I’d probably have half the problems that I have had. You tell me ladies.
I digress…
Let’s say you find yourself in a conundrum. You feel very strongly about how you look and make it a point to feel attractive. However, men seem to find it difficult and intimidating to talk to you. You somehow are “Out of their league”. It certainly makes dating difficult.
It is 2012, times have changed considerably. It’s time to start shattering this notion of “Leagues” and arbitrarily enforced “Standards” and toss aside some of these cultural norms that plague is.
Try this my dear lady friend. Try actually striking up a conversation with the man. If he feels somehow that he is out of your league, he won’t talk to you because he fears you rejecting him and crushing his hopes. Talking to him open ups the door and lets US the men know that you have an interest with us.
In all honesty, the “Standard” should not be whether two “perfect” people belong together, because there are NO perfect people on the planet. Nor should two “ugly” people be forced together because one persons “Ugly” is another person’s beautiful. But we don’t talk about that do we?
No, the standard should be “Can I be happy with this person regardless of their personal style?” “Can I accept them for who they are and allow them to accept me for who I am?” “And by talking, can we realize we are a lot more in common than we thought?”
I think that when we put away our ideals of “Who belongs with us or not” and learn to take on people as people, then we can find a lot more doors opening.
Not everyone is a perfect match. But we can open more doors than we shut.
I see very very often a man who ONLY focuses on the "prettiest" or most appealing whatever/wherever. If he's 52 and there's the one girl who someone daughter at the singles party, he forgoes anything potentially mutual and the focus is on the 20 yr old daughter. , In the classroom, its only the prettiest who is braggable or had most value. Maybe categorizing with leagues helps here? 90% of the guys focus on 10% of the women. There is distraction, media and ego associated with the woman's appearance. With men there is position +. Both leave many out in the cold..
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