My boyfriend seems jealous of my Gay best friend, why?

Here we are with the first blog post of the Ask A Male blog for 2015.  Happy New Year to all you fine readers out there!  Thank you for sharing, resharing, and reading the Ask A Male blog. Thank you for pushing all of our views to over 100k total for all of our blog posts. 

We have a new question today courtesy of a long time reader: 

I've been with my boyfriend for about three months now, he knows all of my friends and I've always thought we were on pretty secure footing.  But when I get together with my gay friend and go hang out, he gives me the silent treatment.  Why is that? 

This can be a bit of a sensitive subject to bring up.  There are people who have some pretty strong emotions when it comes to relationships, love, and Homosexuality so let me preface my response to this with a simple disclaimer:  WE HERE at the Ask A Male blog SUPPORT all of our LGBT friends of all stripes and we love and adore their friendship. 

Ladies, there is nothing wrong with having a Gay or Straight best friend. We are wired to need company outside of ourselves and friendship is always an essential for life.  You are strong independent creatures capable of deciding who you wish to interact with and develop friendships with.  You alone have the power to choose who you share time with.  If you choose to have an intimate emotional and connected relationship with us men, we have to accept that you have had friends before us and will continue to develop friendships after us. Just as you have to accept that we have our own friends as well. Human nature right? 

Where it sounds to me dear confused friend is this; it sounds like your boyfriend is insecure in your current short term relationship. You haven't been together long enough to learn each others issues (though it sounds like you've touched on one of his) and its a very sore subject.  This isn't about you, or your gay best friend, this is about himself. He's obviously got a few issues he's dealing with right now and the best friend just happens to your boyfriends excuse to reveal his issues. 

Perhaps your boyfriend was a product of a broken home where a parent left to start another relationship. It happens more often than we like to think about and just sometimes, those people go off to have a Homosexual relationship.  If you were raised in a conservative home, this can be hurtful to your ego.  Perhaps a prior girlfriend cheated on him with another man. Perhaps in fact, he cheated on a prior girlfriend and he's afraid of the eventual backlash. Whatever the issue is, it comes down to the fact that he is expressing some jealousy of your open friendship with another man. It isn't about him being gay, or a friend, its about expressing a need to have a relationship outside of your couplehood that he cannot control. It's about his war with himself. 

That's something to be concerned about in long term relationships. 

Dear friend, you need to have a sit down conversation with your man in a safe environment where you both can discuss the issue without being accusatory.

Sit down with him in private and say "Hey love, can we have a talk about something that bothers me?"  Don't use the "We need to talk" line, that's a genuine and surefire sign to us that we are "About to be dumped."  We don't respond well ever to "We need to talk."  In fact, we shut right down. 

Tell him "Love, it concerns me that you seem to express a dislike when I hang out (insert Gay Best Friends name) and I want to ask, why is that?" 

Then listen... Let him get it all out. 

If the response is "I don't have a fucking issue!"  Then its time to RUN not walk away. You are officially done and going further in this relationship will lead to abuse and heartbreak.

If the response is "It don't have an issue."  He's lying to himself. Let him know that his expressed attitude is uncomfortable to you and because you care, you want to find out why. 

If he then responds and tells you he is worried about losing you, ask him why. Sometimes that's really what we want is someone to listen to our story. 

The key here is to generate conversation. Ask him why he feels uncomfortable that you have a friendship with another male (Gay or Straight, it matters not). Ask him why he expresses this dislike in a manner that you find uncomfortable. 

Advise him and reassure him that you want to develop trust with him.  You obviously trust him with female friends (Lesbian or Straight) and you are not concerned with the time he spends with them.  You trust him, you want that same respect in return. 

If he continues to express displeasure at giving you that trust, then its time to genuinely rethink this relationship.  

The foundation of any good and longstanding relationship is based purely on trust. You have to trust your partner and your partner has to trust you.  If a man is thinking he cannot trust his partner and needs to control the actions of his partner, then he's not worth keeping and there are better fish in the sea.  

I'm certain your Gay best friend knows a lot of straight guys who trust him as well.  Guys with references are always a bonus. Good luck friend. 

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