My boyfriend want's a 'Poly' relationship...

Greetings and good evening ladies and gentlemen!  Once again, I'm bringing to you another installment of the Ask a Male blog. 

Today's question; "My boyfriend asked me if I'd be ok with us being in a "Polyamorous" relationship and I want to know what is he thinking?" 

Everytime we touch on Alternative Sexuality on the Ask A Male Blog, we tend to attract people who more often than not make sweeping generalizations about the authors views and react rather than attempt to read and understand. 

The author has Poly friends, and has attempted it before in his life. He is simply going to present it's definition and it's practice as defined by Poly people.  

Well, lets first define what Polyamory Means. 

Polyamory is defined as Multiple Romantic and Sexual partners in a relationship together. 

In short, it is defined as having multiple partners both physically(sexually) and romantically.

In the authors experience, there are two different schools of thought for Poly Practice.

The Soft Definition). 

Is the defined practice where two people agree to be in a relationship but one, or both parties, agree to have sexual relationships (whether protected or not) with other parties with the agreed notion that neither party needs to know about the multiple other parties in action. So long as neither party is aware what the other party is engaged in, they reason that no feelings are hurt in the process. 

The Hard Definition.) (No pun intended). 

Is the defined practice of a set and what is referred to as "Vetted" (Known to all parties) circle of participants who all agree together to only sleep with the parties in the known and agreed upon circle of participants.  All parties agree to share themselves with each other, but all parties also look out for and protect the feelings and emotions and physical health of each other.  They go so far as to have constant STD tests together and advocate healthy protected sexual encounters with each other. To join the circle, is only allowed when ALL parties agree that you are allowed to join. 

Both schools of thought practice what they believe to be called "Informed Consent". 

 Meaning, they discuss ahead of time what they wish to have happen in pursuing multiple partners.  They discuss what they wish to engage in, it's implications, and its possible dangers. Consent implies a uniform agreement.  As an "Alternative Sexuality" compared to the western concept of Monogamy, it's practitioners defend their chosen lifestyle very stolidly. 

Without informed consent, both schools of thought reason that sleeping around is simply and purely cheating. It's dishonest, they reason, because it isn't taking into account their partners agreed upon wishes. 

The Author at Ask A Male does not wish to engage into debate as to which concept of relationship is better or worse than the other, Monogamy VS. Polyamory.  Simply put, it's all lifestyle choices that everyone is entitled to research and explore at their own choice and time. Remember that for any relationship to work, it requires open and honest communication and consent. 

I can say that I've lived a very fruitful and interesting life and tried things on several different perspectives, so I can offer the following advice on how an average straight male thinks when asking "Are you ok with Polyamory?" 

This man, your boyfriend, has heard about something new that intrigues him.  He's heard about people who can have multiple sexual partners and keep a loving relationship between all of them.  

Not knowing this man, but knowing how the average man thinks, this brings a couple questions to my mind. 

"Why does this lifestyle intrigue him?" 

"Is he unhappy with himself?"

Straight males, we are taught that sexual gratification equals total life gratification.  If we are having great sex, our life is on the way to being perfect.  When the sex falls apart (and I'm not saying your sex life has), we turn to trying to find out why and often that means finding another partner to meet those needs. That missing piece search, as we get older, we realize its not found in the arms of someone else.  Its only found through deep soul searching. It's only found in trying to be happy with ourselves.  

Sex is pitched in media and music as the answer to all of life's ails. In practice, we find its a lot more complicated than that when we get emotions into the mix. 

He want's to keep you in a relationship, but also want's to explore definite sexual and possible romantic interest with someone at the same time.  Someone else in the mix. 

He doesn't want to lose you, but he's also intrigued by this life. 

This is going to require you to do some deep soul searching within yourself, it's going to require a very difficult and emotional conversation with your boyfriend, and it's going to be messy. 

First, you are going to have to ask yourself these questions:

Are you OK with sharing your boyfriend with one or more women(or men)?

Are you OK with being shared with one or more men(or women)?

If you are OK with those notions, ask yourself this:

If we start this relationship, do I want to know who he is sleeping with or do I not want to know?

If I do, or do not know, do I want my partner to be protected and trust he will use it? 

Am I going to also have a relationship (physical or emotional) with this other person? 

If you are NOT  comfortable with any of these situations and are not willing to allow yourself or your partner to be shared with other people, it is within your complete and total right to say you do not wish to engage in that lifestyle choice.  

If however your boyfriend says he is going to pursue it, let him go. 

Here's the thing I've learned about any successful relationship in life.  It's that if you are monogamous, poly, or anywhere in between; you have to have open communication AND respect for yourself and your partner(s) for the relationship to work. 

Now, it's possible that your boyfriend might have found a way to have you and have the open fun sex life he wants.  It's possible, he might be checking someone out to play with. And that may be what he is thinking.  But to muddle through this mess, assuming that you want to try to hold on to him, you need to have a good long chat with him and explore the deeper issues. 

If he isn't willing to talk about it, RUN... Don't walk away.  And do it with pride. 

A man who is proposing to sleep with someone else, and won't talk to you as to why, is controlling you.  

A man who wants to keep you and play with someone else, it's worth asking why he needs that and what he is lacking within himself that he wants to seek out in the arms of someone else. Understand that you aren't his therapist and if there are deeper issues, again... Run... Don't walk away.